Behind Every Criticism There Is An Unmet Wish
One of the most important parts of couples counselling is to shift the communication style from a protective style to one that is vulnerable. We do this by shifting the focus from you to I. Being vulnerable refers to communicating from a place of emotional openness rather than defensiveness or self-protection.
A protective communication style often looks like:
avoiding uncomfortable topics
shutting down or withdrawing
getting defensive
attacking or blaming to avoid feeling hurt
intellectualizing instead of expressing emotions
Shifting to a vulnerable style means allowing your partner to see what is happening underneath those protective reactions: your needs, fears, hopes, and feelings. It includes things like:
expressing hurt instead of hiding it behind anger
sharing your needs without demanding or shaming
acknowledging insecurities
taking emotional risks, like saying “I felt rejected when…”
being honest about what matters to you
Exercise: Listen to this 4 minute audio clip with Esther Perel