Exercise: Control and Anxiety — What's the Connection?

Anxiety thrives on uncertainty, and uncertainty can feel threatening, especially when we have learned at some point in our lives that unpredictability is dangerous (please see resource on Attachment Styles). When we cannot tolerate not knowing how something will turn out, control becomes a coping strategy. If I manage every detail, the thinking goes, nothing can go wrong. But the relief that comes from controlling our environment is always temporary. The anxiety returns, the stakes feel higher, and the need to control grows. Over time, what started as a way of keeping ourselves safe can become emotionally draining, and push away the people we care about most.

The exercise below will help you explore what you are most afraid of losing control over and why.

When you notice an urge to control a situation, pause and write down the following:

• What is the worst case scenario?

• How likely is that actually?

• What would I do if it did happen?

If you are within your window of tolerance, pause and ask yourself:

• Can I sit with this discomfort rather than acting on the urge to control, and allow the feeling to pass?

Take a moment to reflect on how this shows up in your relationship and the impact it may be having on your partner and your connection. If it feels bigger than something you can tackle alone, reaching out to a CBT therapist can be a really valuable next step.

Book Recommendation: Mind Over Mood by Dennis Greenberger & Christine Padesky — practical CBT workbook, great for anger and anxious thinking patterns.