Exercise: Spotting the Parent and Child in Your Relationship

The deep emotional bonds we form with romantic partners can pull us back into familiar patterns, ones that often resemble the parent-child dynamics we experienced growing up. This can happen in any couple, regardless of whether they have children.

P.A.C. STATES:

PARENT EGO-STATE - As we grow up we assimilate ideas, values and ways to behave from our caretakers and culture. When I am thinking, feeling and acting in ways that copy one or both of my parents, or another authority figure, I am said to be in my Parent ego-state. Parent ego-state determines how I “should”, “need”, “must”, “ought” to be. When in this state, we might nurture, guide, criticize, or control, often without fully realizing we are replaying learned patterns from childhood. Please see P in the table below.

ADULT EGO-STATE - This is the rational, objective, problem-solving part of ourselves. It evaluates reality, makes decisions based on facts rather than old patterns. If I am thinking, feeling and behaving in response to what is going on around me in the here and now, and using the resources that are available to ask questions and check assumptions with facts, I am said to be in my Adult ego-state. Please see A in the table below.

CHILD EGO-STATE -  When I return to some of the ways of thinking, feeling or behaving as a child, or outsource my sense of agency and responsibility to someone else, I can say I am in my Child ego-state. This reflects the emotions, reactions, and impulses we experienced as children. It can be playful, curious, spontaneous, but also reactive, fearful, or needy. Please see C in the table below.

We move in and out of the states above depending on the context we are in and whether we are triggered or feel safe to be ourselves.

EXERCISE:

Can you recognize when your inner critical parent or adapted child state is present in your relationship? And if so, how is it showing up? What is it saying? How is it behaving? Pay close attention to any 'Should' statements that surface, if you are quick to go into solution mode as a way to soothe or take care of your partner, if you are passive and outsource responsibilities, or if you find yourself gravitating towards greater freedom as a way to establish autonomy (similar to how a teenager pushes back or rebels against their parents). 

It's important to recognize these states and have greater self-awareness because stepping into a parent or child role leads to a breakdown in communication in couples, and is not conducive to creating sexual desire. Evolutionarily speaking, we are not meant to engage in sex with our parents or children. If, and when, we enter the parent or child state, we subconsciously create a barrier and distance between us and our partners.